It's hard to believe that the hysterectomy is now over 3 months ago. The collage above is called Old World View. It's one that I made while I was resting t home.  Now I feel well, have more energy than when I first went back to work, and have kept off the weight. Now I'm thinking about what I need to do to get back on track and get my "normal" life rolling again.

I decided to make a book about wht I want to accomplish in 2012. Like a New Year's Resolution, but not something that I will forget 5 minutes after I make a pledge to do it.

After I spent some time working on my January Book and my January budget, it struck me how much I already have. I have an over-abundance of art books and art supplies and resources for an infinite amount of art ideas. I don't need more.

Can I live on $1000 a month after all the bills are paid? I only need money for carafre to get to work, groceries, getting my hair done, and definitely saving something each month. It seems like enough money. I don't spend a lot of money on a day-to-day basis.

My January Book includes what I need to do for health and wellness, diet and fitness, projects and a "to do" list, and resources.

I went to the Greenmarket at Union Square in Manhattan yesterday. You would never believe that there's drought after looking at all the lush fruits and vegetables there! I stocked up for the week. For $48 I got a dozen organic eggs, 6 ears of corn, 3 HoneyCrisp apples (delicious!), 4 zucchini, 4 Kirby cucmbers, 3 bunches of kale, 6 tomatoes, 3 nectarines, 12 peaches, and 7 Gala apples. Yummy and fresh!

BLINDSIDED IN THE SUMMER OF 2012!!

The young woman in the picture seems to have nothing to do with me!  She is smiling and thinking about her future, feeling happy, reveling in her abundance.

On the contrary, I have felt lost, dazed, impotent, and scared. In the Spring I remember having a random thought that I would be devoting a lot of time to my health in the summer. But I was thinking that maybe I'd get some routine follow-up done with my eye doctor and spend a lot more time in the gym, working out and trying to lose 30 lbs.

But that wasn't waht this summer was about at all. This summer was about being blind-sided, multiple times.

It started innocently enough back in February when I noticed a little ‘spotting.’  No big deal at all, just a fluke of nature.  Then the spot came again in March, exactly 4 week later.  At that point it was an ‘interesting coincidence’. 

Then 4 weeks later it came yet again.  I woke up and seemed to sniff a slight aroma of coffee.  This was a little ‘weird’.  So I went online to find out about it.  Several web sites on women’s health said that spotting after menopause was absolutely abnormal and “go to the gynecologist....NOW!”

So I did.  And I was told that I have abnormal cells that are one step below cancer.  What?  ME??  And then I learned that a ‘D and C’, which used to be the universal cure-all for most ‘feminine‘ problems, was not going to do the trick for me.  The medical recommendation was a hysterectomy.

Between the beginning of  June and the middle of August I’ve had 13 doctor visits for additional testing, consultations, and medical clearances.  In between the doctor visits, I worked my horrible work schedule, tried to survive working in an office without air conditioning for days on end, and tried to find out whatever I could about the before-and-after of having a hysterectomy.

I felt blindsided from left field, like I was a walking medical time bomb, that I had lost my health.  And I found out that recovery is 6 weeks and after those 6 weeks you are still tired.  Spending 8 hours a day sitting in front of a computer will be exhausting.  So, I guess my hour each way commute on a bus and 2 subways with 4 flights of stairs before and after work will also be exhausting.

The recommendation was ‘‘ don’t rush back to work too early, take enough time to heal.”

So as I started to wrap my mind around what 6 weeks of recovery would be like, I started figuring out the finances.  I’d heard from other people that when you go on temporary disability you only get 66% of your salary.  YIKES!  I am one of those people who live paycheck to paycheck and have no reserves (which many people consider to be a sin).  For me its the high cost of living in New York City.  One paycheck alone goes to the rent and utilities, with no food.

So I went online to find out how to apply for temporary disability and found out that.......BIG SURPRISE!  No, I would not be getting 66% of my salary.  I would get $385 a week with FICA taken out of that.  Blindsided again!  So I will be thousands of dollars short of my usual paycheck over a 6 to 8 week period.  And it takes a month to receive the first check.

Then I investigated buying Supplemental Disability Insurance.  However; I have a ‘pre-existing condition‘ which means I will not be covered for it for a 12 month period.  So, that is no solution.

Now I need to rely on the kindness of my friends, and maybe some strangers who I’ll never know.

I’m asking this:  Can you take me to lunch at Mickee D’s?  I don’t eat at McDonald’s so I don’t actually expect to go there with you.  But a combo meal at McDonald’s costs over $8.00 here in NYC now.  So could you contribute $9.00 to me to help me when I need it?

I need you to make me your project for the month of September and/or October.  I need you to ask any group which you belong to if they will help by making me their project for the month.  I need to raise thousands to get through this and the only way I can do that is with multiple people helping me by coordinating mini fund raisers.

Those of you who know me well also know that I’m very independent.  I don’t like to ask for help and I don’t expect handouts from people all the time.  I try to solve my problems myself.

My family knows about my predicament.  My 90 year old mother is not financially able to help.  The rest of my small family don’t seem to be able to understand that “Self Reliant Sue” has encountered something she can’t handle on her own.  It’s really hard when the ‘go to person‘ in a family needs someone to go to.

I’m hoping that this is some Spiritual lesson that has a happy ending.  Something like, “Don’t worry.  Trust in God.  You will be taken care of.  You are loved, even by strangers.”

Right now I have to say something about Al, my life partner/husband/BFF.  Some people have asked, “What’s he doing about this?  How’s he taking it?  He’s as shocked and scared as I am, but he’s keeping it to himself and doing everything he can to be a supportive husband.  He’s getting up in the middle of the night to get tonic water and hot compresses for my frequent leg cramps.  He surprises me by cleaning the house.  He wishes me “Good Surprises Today” and then slips Kit Kats into my purse, which I find after I get to work.  He is LOVING me and taking care of me in the ways he is able to.

So, my friends, I hope that something in this letter will resonate with your Spirit.  I hope that an inner voice will nudge you to take a step to do something to help.  Anything will be appreciated.  I will feel it in my heart and soul, and I will remember you and your generous act of kindness in my prayers for ever.


If you would like to help please click on the Paypal button below and visit my Blog regularly for updates and also visit if you have time to share with me.  I'll be sharing my recovery, my dreams, and my Art.  So until we're here together again.

Thanks for your kindness,

Sue

An Explosion of Art

So, I'm gonna be 59 in a matter of weeks. It sounds OLD to me. There's no way you can make "almost 60" sound young! I can feel the changes in my body. I am slowing down. My arches and ankles hurt, which makes getting a decent cardio workout difficult. There have been changes in my work site and work responsibilities that make the job more demanding than it used to  be. I could stand to lose 40 lbs. My vision is blurry now, due to a cataract and high blood sugar.

But on the other hand, I have been practically prolific in creating art! I am doing it on an almost daily basis. I have found ways to work around the poor vision by using paper and ready-made images. They can be digital collage sheets or magazine images or just doodles and images from rubber stamps. Whatever, I just am not drawing and painting from life. My focus is now on making "pretty pages", art journal pages, a kind of collage.

I love this post card! Two weeks ago I went down to Ocean Grove, NJ. It's where I go when I need to rest and regroup and listen to myself think. I often do this when I attend an art retreat. That's what I did this month. It's been a whole year since I've been at Ocean Grove. The past 12 months have been an agony of stress related to my job, my money, my mother's health and recovery, her adjustment to being unable to live alone, struggling with my landlord, and having to find a lace to move into, being taken advantage of by the movers. It has all been overwhelming and seemed never-ending!

I was a basket case by the time I got to Ocean Grove!  The weather was blustery, damp, and gray. But it didn't matter to me. I was there! I saw some people who were former retreat guests, as well as seeing people that I really have developed relationships with. It felt embracing to be among people who valued my presence so much!

I spent 2 days immersed in art. I left my expectations of creating "perfect" art behind and devoted my energy to "playing" with art. And I came away with art that I actually enjoyed making and enjoyed looking at later.

Taking Stock

I've been overwhelmed by trying to stretch my paycheck twice as far as it can actually go. The stress of that has been driving me a little crazy. Every morning I wake up to questioning thoughts about how I will manage to pay all the blls. Well, yesterday we went to BJs. We stocked up on most staples and metas, the only "treats" were about $15' worth of cookies and an inkjet cartridge (not really a "treat"). I spent $350. This was with replacing things that we haven't bought since the summer because our trips to BJs have been limited to $100-150 a month. So, now we are set for a while. But I was not feeling satisfied as I usually do. We did not find many things that we usually look for and we had to substitute for what was available. And it didn't seem that there was enough "stuff" to be worth $350.But I know we did the best we could and that buying these things in a local supermarket would have been much more.

I have given myself permission to let goof things that weigh me down.  This morning I was thinking about the credit cards. I just can't afford to make the payments right now. And I can't afford to make the payment plus the late fee plus the now-due next payment. It boggles your mind how hard it is to catch up after just one missed payment. So, I decided that for now I have to just let go of worrying about the credit cards. Maybe some of them will get closed by the bank. But they have been maxxed out or close to maxxed for a while now, so I am not losing anything. I started thinking to myself "Well, there will be a day when I can write checks to pay off all of them"....Then I started thinking "I can't wait for the day to come that I can write a check to pay them all off and not have to worry about living with a credit card!" That was so empowering! It supports the letting go, it supports who I am as a person (I am not a bad or irresponsible person, just a "broke" person who is forced to do too much on one salary), and it promises a much better future.

From there I started thinking about how much I can't wait for us to move into our wonderful home in Detroit. And I realized that the house doesn't have a verandah, which is on my vision board. So, what did I do? I decided that we'll have to buy another house, the sumemr house with the verandah, so that I can lose track of the time while sitting on my verandah. It's a wonderful life to look forward to!

Being In Flow

There's such a flow of abundance coming in now!  At the end of last month we got a ruling from the rent control board deeming that we had indeed been overcharged rent for the past almost 5 years!  The correct rent is now less than we paid when we first moved in!  So now we are living rent-free until the excess is accounted for.  I've been able to catch up on the most pressing bills and have even planned some quickie weekend trips in April.  It's such a relief to be able to breathe again and I feel that my breathing is now at a deeper level than it has been in over a year.

We really like to take advantage of the huge savings at the big box food warehouse stores and we have been able to make a monthly trip there for the past 2 months.  Wow!  Loads of rolls of t.p. and paper towels, biggie sizes of laundry detergent and dish soap, huge rolls of aluminum foil!  All of the things that are over-priced in the neighborhood stores.  Plus, meats!  The quality of the meat and poultry is so much better.  I love not having to make a weekly trek out to the local store and then have to decide what I can manage to bring home in a shopping cart.

Tonight I went to Macy's for a One Day Sale.  I needed a wardrobe overhaul, so I decided to go just to see what was there.  I wasn't expecting to find as much as I did.  I bought $325' worth of tops and pants - 5 pants and 7 tops in all.  It was all on sale and I only paid $175 for the whole pile of clothes.  I haven't done that in a few years and I had been missing it.  There's nothing like finding a bargain that you like and that actually looks good on you!

I can't wait to see what's coming over the horizon!