I've been overwhelmed by trying to stretch my paycheck twice as far as it can actually go. The stress of that has been driving me a little crazy. Every morning I wake up to questioning thoughts about how I will manage to pay all the blls. Well, yesterday we went to BJs. We stocked up on most staples and metas, the only "treats" were about $15' worth of cookies and an inkjet cartridge (not really a "treat"). I spent $350. This was with replacing things that we haven't bought since the summer because our trips to BJs have been limited to $100-150 a month. So, now we are set for a while. But I was not feeling satisfied as I usually do. We did not find many things that we usually look for and we had to substitute for what was available. And it didn't seem that there was enough "stuff" to be worth $350.But I know we did the best we could and that buying these things in a local supermarket would have been much more.
I have given myself permission to let goof things that weigh me down. This morning I was thinking about the credit cards. I just can't afford to make the payments right now. And I can't afford to make the payment plus the late fee plus the now-due next payment. It boggles your mind how hard it is to catch up after just one missed payment. So, I decided that for now I have to just let go of worrying about the credit cards. Maybe some of them will get closed by the bank. But they have been maxxed out or close to maxxed for a while now, so I am not losing anything. I started thinking to myself "Well, there will be a day when I can write checks to pay off all of them"....Then I started thinking "I can't wait for the day to come that I can write a check to pay them all off and not have to worry about living with a credit card!" That was so empowering! It supports the letting go, it supports who I am as a person (I am not a bad or irresponsible person, just a "broke" person who is forced to do too much on one salary), and it promises a much better future.
